Carrots and Sticks

It's been five months since the divorce was done. I am still in Jomtien, she is off with psychopath (I consider him a psychopath because he told me he "should come beat me" because I didn't want him to meet and have sex with my then wife) who led to our divorce (thank you, btw) in India. She wanted me to loan her 20k baht for the trip!
This is email I sent her, or maybe didn't. Lots of anger in there, as could be expected....
"

"You have used your mind to study how people with real feelings behave so that you can mimic those feelings in order to manipulate and use others. But you are an actress, a “drama queen”. And like drama, it is not real.

  Friday (August 31st) was a prime example of that drama. I could cite many, many more, but this is the most recent. You acted very upset because I dared to ask if you were going to live up to your agreement to pay me 6,000 in September on the motorcycle as you said you would.

 You turned off your phone for several hours (the silent treatment to soften me up for the scene to come. One of your common weapons you used.)

 You hoped to exploit me again, so you searched your data base on me and chose drama. It always worked before, so why not use it again?

 You cried about how hard you work, how hard your life is, how all your money is gone as soon as you are paid, how you just want to travel and have a little enjoyment.

 I fell for it at the time. Made me seem I'm the one who was doing bad things to you.  I forgave you for not paying what you said you would. I told you my plan to return all that you had paid me back when you had finished paying for your motorbike. You won that round.

 Later I realized I was played again by you to get what you wanted. My guts told me “she is manipulating you, it is more exploitation. There is more to this story. She is hiding her real motives.”

 I ignored this sort of message in the past, but not any more. I have learned.

 You have been setting me up for several weeks now, and I wondered “setting me up for what?” I gathered some more information and then used my mind in appropriate manner to analyze what is going on. Was it only the motorcycle debt? Must be more than that.

  More setting me up on Saturday, more information. “Wish you were here”, “I can pick up that book for you and give it to you next Friday”. I noted there were behaviors that contradicted your sob story, such as:

 Staying at hotel for 1000 baht a night: “only 500 more than A-One Inn and felt I should treat myself. Stayed there several other times when I came to Bangkok and it is nice”.  Eh? This is like when you paid 4,000 of 5,000 owed on motorbike and then bought yourself a DVD player. More of “I’m so poor when it comes to paying my debts, but I can buy myself whatever and stay at hotel rather than with friends because other people (such as Em***) are only important when I can get something from them.” And you still wanted something from me, and assumed I was so stupid as not to notice your behavior. My guts pay attention to behaviors and I listen to them. Preliminary conclusion: she has more money than she says, plays poor to get me to provide more money and forgive debt.

What did you want more money for?

  A vacation in India, to Chennai, with co-worker was your opening (partial) story. I decided to play along with that, but felt there was much more to it. Of course you were only telling me the bare minimum, not the whole story of the trip and motives behind wanting me to loan you 20,000 baht. This was dishonesty by omission.

 I then said I would go with you. I should have done that back when you said you were going to Viet Nam with “friend”, who was actually your cyber (and a couple real days in BKK) love, Joe. That would have blown your whole cover, and we would have ended long ago.

 “I’m going to meet HIM”.  Something approaching truth comes out! “HIM” being Tony.

“I want the loan so I can be more independent”….. Try again, that one is an insult to my intelligence. "We are evolving to be like you and me, being intellectual" (bullshit. That is almost as bad as the first attempt). “I will still pay you back for the motorcycle” (with implication that you won’t if I don’t give you another loan. And owing me 20,000 more is another way you think you could dominate and control me: “be nice, go along with me or I won’t pay you back”.). And; “I will have some days saved and maybe we can go somewhere later in the year” (as if that would ever happen. Same as paying a whore before she comes over for sex. She will never show up). "I'm being honest and not sneaking around" (as if this is a good enough reason give you a loan, like being honest is such a reward, rather than normal expected behavior from a "friend")

 Being a narcissitic personality, you expect inferior people (everyone else) to jump at any chance to be around your superior everythingness. And to bow to your every wish, to be eternally grateful for the few crumbs you offer.

 Not from this guy anymore.

 I sent you this email, which you never answered:

“So why do you want to spend your money (or my money until you pay me back) meeting up with this a**hole, other than you want to show you can control him? Which he knows is what you want to do, and like the game of withholding love from me, he won't give you. He will get sex from you just like you got money and support from me. And he will never give you what you want. Just like me.

 Find some guy who is not a psychopath is my advice.

  And see if your medical program covers counseling. I am not kidding about that.”

 Tony is a psychopath, you are a sociopath. You two have much in common: you are both users, manipulators, lack empathy and feelings for anyone but selves.

  The needing money aspect doesn’t ring true: you have about 13,000 left to live on for the month after all your bills are paid. Where does the 13,000 go, leaving you with only 360 at end of month?(according to what you told me) I think you have another account or it is another lie.

 I don’t think you are stupid enough to take trips to Bangkok and stay at 1000 baht a night hotel and not get some of that back from who ever you are fu**ing there. Your income should be much more than just your salary. I don’t know (and don’t care) how many guys you have been screwing in Bang Saen, or perhaps even trips to Pattaya to stay with guys at Amari Orchid or Bella Villa Prima (or where ever you used to do them). But maybe you are that stupid…. And Tony, well, he seemed rich enough to pay for hotel for you when you got your UK visa. That was good investment on his part. Got him into bed with you later, and you thinking what a great guy he was for doing this (manipulation you were too stupid to realize). And now you won’t ask him to help pay for your trip? What you need is equal to 4 nights at that hotel. Oh, but he already has you in his net and doesn’t need to help you anymore. Or maybe you two are so evil that you came up with this loan bullshit so that you could have a good laugh at my expense. “Em*** is so stupid that he paid to send Suxxxx off to India so she could fu** the guy that resulted in end of marriage. What an idiot!”.  It is not beyond either of you two to do this.

 You know the tee shirts here: “No money, no honey”. Well, if he is fu**ing you then he should pay for your trip. That’s how it works here, although you did manage to get me to support you for years and rarely fu** you (or even kiss you!) while we were married.

 I am not going to pay or loan (give) you money. You have gone off the scale in outrageous requests with this one.

 I came up with a definition of evil after we split up:

“Evil is the unwarranted, persistent, conscious infliction of grievous harm on another sentient being”

This seems to fit what you did to me. Unwarranted: I didn’t deserve it. Persistent: behavior over extended time span of 5 years. Conscious: you knew just what you were doing. Infliction of grievous harm: you knew how damaging it was Sentient being: in this case, me.

 And you haven't quit trying to con me, to do evil to me. Sorry, I'm not playing anymore.

I got this in an email from you in mid July about how you wanted our friendship to be:

“Friend won't involved with each other FINANCIALLY and ROMANTICALLY!

If you and I separate these things out of our friendship, you and I can be OK for the friend thing.

I will pay you money of the scooter you required. You won't need to support me anything that required money on and I won't be getting anything when you die. Keep money issue away and talk as less as possible about money-- we will be OK.

I don't want you to know about my romantic relationship; whether it exists or disappear, I would like to keep it at the very very personal. If I get screw about it-- it's me who suffers. And this will apply for you the other way around.”

 Guess that got thrown out when you started experiencing paying your own expenses, maybe things weren’t quite as easy as you thought they would be. You found out I am different from the users you seem to mistakenly think are somehow better than me and want to hook up with:

 “Gee, Em*** actually cared about me! And showed it by supporting me all those years!”

 If it were the other way around, how would you have reacted?  I think we both know.

  I still plan on giving you back all the money you repay for your motorcycle after you pay it all back. You have paid back 19,000 so far. Here's a catch: if you skip a payment, you won't get any back. Is that a good incentive?"

She decided that she didn't need to pay back money in October, so indirectly I was financing the trip. She didn't answer phone or emails.

I thought about Kohlbergs levels of moral development. Clearly she is at level of 3 year old: no concept of right or wrong, good or bad. It is based on punishment.

Having me pissed off didn't matter to her. Same goes for showing respect, right and wrong. Punishment would be for her to lose face. She had no face to lose with me. I decided to contact her friend Jan in Bangkok, ask her to pass the message along. This is what I sent:

"

Hi Jan, it is Em***, ex-husband of Su******, man who paid for grad school at Chula, and supported her for 5 years in spite of her chasing other men. I bought her  a Honda motorcycle she needed to get to work with. She said she would pay me back, and has paid 19,000 so far. She has not paid me back 5000 baht this month as agreed. She seems to think that she should use that money for trip to meet Tony, the man she used to end our marriage.  I was no longer an asset and was to be dumped, in the most cold manner possible.

 I sent her some emails telling her that I will take her to court if she does not fulfill her agreement, but she has not responded. If you could tell her it is in her best interest to pay her bills, I would appreciate it. She would lose too much face by the truth coming out in court. It is not my job to support her financially on a trip to meet the psychopath in India. (she actually wanted me to loan her 20,000 for the trip!!!).It is my opinion that Su***** is an irresponsible manipulative user and incredibly evil towards me, the one she should respect.

 Paying back 15,000 after all the money and time I spent trying to bring out the good in her is nothing by comparison. I now feel there wasn’t any good in her to bring out.

BTW, did you spend a night with her at a hotel in BKK in late April when she went to get her UK visa? In room Tony paid for (so she said later, I didn't know at the time that she was cheating or planning on more cheating on me)

Thanks and sorry to bother you

It is for my own self respect that I want her to pay up, and it would be good for her growth if she showed some responsibility. She will never thank me or apologize for the horrible things she did, but that would be asking too much.

  She can do whatever she wants, as she always did. But I am not going to walk away from this.

I don’t want to call her at work, but I will if I have to.

She can have until Tuesday to deposit the money.

You can write to me"

Within half and hour I got sms message stating that 4k had been put in my account.

When carrots don't work....speak in a language they can understand. With a big stick.

These blogs are my opinion and views. If you can find errors or factual mistakes please leave a comment and I will correct those specific items if they are found to be in error. These blogs are intended as public service announcements to serve as a warning to anyone who is considering a relationship with the subject(s). I am doing this to educate and inform the unaware. I hope it may prevent any such misfortune from being inflicted on an unsuspecting person or persons.